Unorthodox
by Commucrat
Summary: In a alternate universe, a vastly different version of the Commander Shepard who is less than the hero he supposedly is and more of an psychopath out of a bad sitcom is put in place of the real one. Still Shepard and his team must come together and save the universe from the giant space squids and bad plot devices, but needless to say things will be a bit different this time around


All right this is the first fan fiction I have ever written, and this was not beta read so please don't beat me over the head with any sort of criticism that is not constructive, and do tell if you spot any glaring spelling or grammatical issues. Everything belongs to Bioware and every other original creator I do my stupid references to. Read it, hope you enjoy it, but if not, then feel free not criticize it.

* * *

**Unorthodox**

_There came a day unlike any other, where evil was upon the world and heroes would rise to save, a day when a Shepard will guide his flock to victory, and bring the reapers down from the skies and hallucinate about holographic preteen boys and pick a color at the end of his journey. _

Commander Shepard was pissed, not the usual "raising my voice" pissed, not the "renegade interrupt pissed", not even "Tony Montana after a mountain pile of cocaine pissed". No, this was a whole other level of anger, one that was only fed by the crushing of his enemies and the lamentations of their women, he was always angry all the time.

Well, there were no people to crush, considering he is under house arrest and couldn't go anywhere, and due to the constant surveillance he could not even watch his favorite Asari/Hanar porno without Vega walking in on him right when it gets good. There was simply nothing to do anymore. In the six months that Shepard spent under house arrest by the orders of the Alliance (Wasn't his damn fault that the mass relay exploded, well not completely, he was forced to or allow the entire universe to stomped into early submission by a giant metal squid that was probably named by someone who used name the G.I. Joe characters.)

In the span of those six months, Shepard went through every season of My little Pony, gained 60 pounds from his fast food only diet, regretted the diet, beaten Vega in their many fist fights over who the best pony was, made fun of Vega, made Vega cry at least once, and generally wasted his time not doing things that a dashing Commander should be doing like gazing at the picture of his love interest, finding ways to look like a certain Dutch model, or using a datapad to do something productive.

Unbeknownst to Shepard and everyone other person in the universe, however, his anger would soon be fed as the Reapers began to descend upon the Earth with the intent to destroy and consume, and nothing would be able to stop them, unless someone conveniently found a device on Mars just before their arrival, a device that they seemingly forgot to remove when they started their plans of universal domination, a device that was most unlikely to be found by a Asari scientist right after they began to invade earth. So with their giant mechanical hearts content they drifted towards Earth and descended like the contents of Shepard's stomach when he voided his bowels in the space toilet of the future, and like the contents they descended absolutely everywhere.

Puny humans, who would save them now.

* * *

When former councilor Anderson came to bring Shepard to his trial, he expected a grim day ahead of him, not only was Shepard going to have to answer for his association with Cerberus, he would also answer blowing up a star system, an endorsement scam that involved Shepard's voice claiming that every store on the Citadel was his favorite store, and how certain reporter from Westerlund News broke all her bones after Shepard "accidentally biotically charged" her into a wall seventeen times in a row. Things were not looking up for the first human Spectre, so imagine how relieved Anderson was when he realized would not need to go through all that hassle anymore, well at least he would be if he wasn't flying through the air from an explosion caused by a giant squid of death that was "dismissed" by the council.

In the time that Anderson spent flying through the air, he several epiphanies, the first was that he was getting too old for this shit, the second was that even if he survived this explosion, his uniform was ruined and he would have to have it ironed again, and the last thought he managed to get out before he crashed into the wall in an unceremonious fashion was why he hasn't gone deaf from all these explosions.

While Anderson was flying through air, Shepard was trying to shield himself with nameless Alliance judge number two from all the shrapnel that was coming his way, he later realized that the meat shield was not a good against flying tables, which quickly resulted in him and now the now very dead nameless Alliance judge number two being buried under pile of tables, he then realized that performing a Nova on a bunch of wooden tables is a great way to get many splinters into his face.

"Shepard get up, we have to go now!" Shouted Anderson as Shepard rolled around on the floor squealing in pain from his new wooden beard. Anderson realized that the day was about to get a lot harder when he saw several more Reapers in the distance, destroying everything in their path. "Anderson, my face is on fire, god this hurts so much, it feels like holes were drilled into my face and then some sick bastard had a cat pee in those holes!" Whined Shepard as he felt the pain of many tiny wooden pieces in his face. "Shepard we don't have time for this, man up and follow me."

So thus began the third journey of the great Commander Shepard, as he embarked on his mandatory tutorial section with Anderson who is one of the few people who are not white in the Alliance. Their traveling experiences were quickly interrupted by husks who came out of the background the give both of them some hugs, Anderson decided against that by shooting one in the fact with an incendiary round and Shepard reciprocated the other husk's feelings by picking it up, throwing it to the floor, and then showing it much love with the bottom of his boot.

As the two fought through the war-torn city scape while learning what objects they could vault over, up in the sky, was the Normandy which at that very moment was under the Command of former Chief Ashley Williams, whose brief run in with Shepard earlier caused her great discomfort when he first failed to recognize her and then asked her why her face looked so different and when did she get a boob job. Standing right behind her was fellow Alliance marine and Chris Redfield supporter, James Vega. Together with Joker, the pilot with Robot fetish, and EDI, the strangely female AI, and everyone else who is really not worth mentioning now, they embarked on their own journey to save and retrieve Commander Shepard.

Meanwhile, Shepard was having a conversation with a strangely emotionless (but oddly not a ginger) child who seemed pretty fine even after everyone he knows has probably had their skin roasted in front of him or transformed into robo-zombies without genitals. "Hey, kid, come outta the vent I can get you to safety." Said Shepard as he tried to get the under aged Sociopath to come out from the vents. "Everyone is dead." Whispered the boy without any emotion at all, Shepard rolled his eyes at that statement and then sarcastically replied. "Gee kid I couldn't tell, I was wondering what all those burning human shaped bodies on the floor were and where all the weird robo-zombies came from and I totally missed the giant flying squids of unbelievable destruction. Anyway, get out of the vent and let's go somewhere where we won't die like everyone else." Shepard was about to get the boy to come out of the vents but Anderson quickly distracted him and the kid decided to tell logic to kiss his ass as he disappeared off into the vents.

After a near death experience due to how overweight Shepard was now as he and Anderson were going across a ledge while talking and distracting each other from watching their steps, they managed to get to where they needed to be for the Normandy to pick them up or something. Then came the robo-zombie-but in Batarian flavors that began to express how they felt about the two a lot like their cousin, the husks did but with bullets instead, and they apparently had a lot more to express too. When Shepard decided to act cool and try to Biotically flare them to the afterlife, he forgot that flare was quite explosive and the Cannibals were quite close. Shepard's new beard got bigger as the small pointy pieces of metal flew into his face. Anderson sighed as the first human Spectre clutched his face. Anderson then applied Medi-gel to Shepard's face and one of the two redshirts who were under fire who said a bunch more stuff, pointed the two in the right direction and then stopped being relevant to anything.

As they fought their way across towards the radio that will allow them to call the Normandy, Anderson tried not to throw up while watching Shepard became a human pinball and fly around the battlefield smashing into and then exploding in the faces of their enemies, but before he became too sickened by the constant motion of the former Commander they managed to reach the radio and call for help. It was at that moment Shepard felt his rage boil over, he saw the cursed thing, a M-8 Avenger, just sitting there undestroyed, just sitting there mocking him, daring him to pick it up, daring him to try a kill anything with its low damage, bad aim and horribly designed color pattern, Shepard could not take it lying down, he accepted the gun's challenge.

Anderson turned around just in time to see his burden/friend give up trying to kill the Cannibals by shooting at them deciding to club everything to death with the gun instead. As Shepard glowed blue with and tried to amplify his mêlée he realized that guns were not meant for this kind of impact, but he realized a little too late, and there only one place that the metal pieces going to go. Shepard's new artificial beard grew again with addition of the new metal gun bits. By the time the Normandy arrived, Anderson has spent more time trying to remove Shepard's new beard from his face, and less time shooting at the increasingly confused Cannibals, who began to feel lonely and unloved by Anderson's Predator pistol.

As Shepard and Anderson made their way towards the ramp of the Normandy, the ever coming waves of Cannibals suddenly stopped and allowed for Shepard and Anderson to have a heart to heart moment, or at least they would have if Anderson didn't tell logic to kiss his ass too and decided that he would rather stay on the burning Earth and try to lead a resistance instead of going on the Normandy and helping better by leading from there instead.

There weren't much people left to head a resistance with anyway.

"Anderson, what the hell are you doing?" Shouted Shepard as Anderson refused to come aboard the Normandy.

"You get out of here Shepard, get help, I'll stay here and head a resistance or something." Said Anderson as he looked around trying to see if there was anyone left that he could start a resistance with.

"But Anderson, I'm not even a Commander anymore, and besides since when did the council of retards listen to us." Complained Shepard as he was hit by a series of flashbacks.

Flashback Start:

"IMPOSSIBLE, SAREN IS A TOTAL GOOD GUY!"

"YOU RELEASED THE RACHNI QUEEN! DO YOU WANT TO COMMIT GEOCIDE?"

"NO! YOU CAN'T DRIVE A BETTER VEHICLE"

"NO! YOU CAN'T HAVE A SOME FUNDING FOR YOUR OPERATION!"

"NO! WE WON'T GIVE THE NORMANDY A THEME SONG!"

"NO! YOU ARE NOT GETTING A FISH TANK!"

"YOU ARE GROUNDED FROM PERSUING SAREN EVEN THOUGH THAT WOULD BE IN OUR BEST INTEREST."

"THANKS FOR SAVING US, WE WON'T FORGET THIS!"

"WE FORGOT, ALSO WE DISMISSED THE CLAIMS ABOUT REAPERS EVEN THOUGH THEY ARE PRETTY OBIVOUSLY COMING."

Flashback end:

Anderson groaned, Shepard had a point there, and he was also probably going to get cock blocked by Councilman Udina, who was pretty much like a dick that grew legs. Still Earth needed help, and there was no one better than Shepard to do it, or at least no one more insane. Anderson then tossed Shepard his dog tags. "Consider yourself….. reinstated." Said Anderson as he pulled a pair of sunglasses out of nowhere.

Shepard was now less pissed than he was a bunch a paragraphs ago, he killed, he crushed, and then he got reinstated, and though he was leaving Anderson behind, he knew that he would not let Anderson down. Still, Shepard would miss his incredibly manly voice that massaged his ear bud like many little hands.

As the Normandy began to take off and two other redshirts ran up to Anderson and proved that there might still be a resistance after all, Shepard barely acknowledged the ex-chief with a boob job and Vega, and instead was drawn to the emotionless not ginger child who once again flipped the bird at logic and decided to board a shuttle right in front of a reaper ship that quickly and quite expected shot the shuttle down.

Shepard's eye began to grow watery.

"Williams." Shepard spoke quietly.

"Yes Commander" she replied.

"I lost both my contact lenses down there; do we have any on the ship?"


End file.
